Tuesday, August 20, 2013

My Healthier Frame of Mind

Over the past few weeks I feel a lot of the self-inflicted stress and frustration that has grown within my current work place situation has not only calmed, but has been something that I have overcome. I am still in the midst of what at times feels like countless interviews, applications and informative meeting sessions, but I am definitely a lot more mellow and content with everything than I was a month ago.

I feel like much credit is due to being intentional and making a conscious effort, day in and day out, to be thankful and grateful for where I am right now in life. I am madly in love with the most incredible woman, all of our needs are met, retirement is secure and we are steadily progressing towards personal and shared goals in life.

Whether my next job transition equates to vocational fulfillment or not I am, for the first time genuinely in my life, truly happy right where I am. Granted this is a self-actualization that has been a long time coming with the help of couples and individual counseling. And lately I have been feeling great. When the day job goes through its usual bumps in the road I feel like I’ve been better able to handle the situation in the moment and not let the frustration stir up within me nor follow me home.

This has been a long time coming for me because I have always placed an unhealthy value of work in the equation that is my self worth.  I work hard, come in early, do work that no one else would volunteer to do and attack with fervor. And when things don’t go my way or progress is halted due to bureaucracy or procedures, I’d let the anger sharks come to surface. And that anger would consume and basically eat me alive.

So what’s changed? To be perfectly honest it’s been my outlook. Between the day in and day out of my current role, to interviews that go great to receiving referrals and declines, my attitude and head space has been the only difference maker lately. Before every interview I have been saying to myself, “win, lose or draw, you are exactly where you want to be in life: In a great marriage, in a strong relationship with God and financially secure. Now I’ve been come to be at peace and achieve each of these items over the last few years, but I think what kicked everything into overdrive was, thanks to the help of my individual therapist, I came to a place where I forgave myself.

I forgave myself for not being a good son, student, employee, Christian, and most dear to me – husband. My nearly 30 years on Earth has run the gamut from being straight and narrow to rocky to completely off the map. And today I write to you, confident in who I am and genuinely happy to be present day in and day out, enjoying the relationships that I have cultivated.

So while the pending vocational change is still blurry, I am in a clear frame of mind to press forward and see where my career will take lead to next.

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